Yesterday I posted a picture with an incorrect caption. The creature depicted in that picture was actually not Rahm Emanuel. It was Bruce the Shark from Finding Nemo. Bruce differs from Rahm in that he is aware of his own destructive tendencies and thirst for blood and is taking steps to fix them.
Below is the correct picture of my Chief of Staff.
I voted for you because I thought it would make me smarter and more popular. I really wanted to believe the whole change and hope thing, too. Thing is, you're not even president yet and already you've (1) named a vicious hyper-partisan shark from the Clinton administration as your chief of staff, and (2) supported a bailout of the domestic auto industry, which is nothing more than a shameless pander to labor unions. I mean, this doesn't sound like hope and change, it sounds like straightforward partisan politics! What gives?
Sincerely,
I. Juan Tobelieve
Dear Juan,
You may have noticed a pattern during the election. Scratch that, you obviously didn't because you're asking the question. My game plan was as follows: I remain cool, aloof, above the fray, while others sling feces at my opponents. These others are known as surrogates. They're usually non-presidential politicians, former politicians, celebrities, or major media outlets like CNN, MSNBC, or the New York Times.
The need for surrogates doesn't go away when you become Grand High Emperor! Au contraire, a presidential administration is nothing but a high-stakes game of good cop bad cop. I must have a right hand man who will knee groins so I can get things done and remain the statesman you want to believe I might actually be. Rahm Emanuel is that man. Beneath his foul exterior, he's really a genuinely kind person. Well, not really. He's SOB to the core. But he's my SOB.
I hope you watched my victory speech Tuesday night. Here's the transcript, in case you missed it:
"First let me thank my fellow deities. To Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Vishnu and all the other Hindu gods, thank you for preparing the way for me. A special thank you to my parents, Zeus and Hera, who could not be with us tonight. We wanted to borrow their columns again for tonight's speech, but it turns out the roadies trashed them in Denver.
"We've come a long way, haven't we?
"I was never the likeliest candidate. Only the awesomest and dropdead sexiest. And Oprah's fave.
"This campaign wasn't hatched in Washington. It began in Chicago, in Bill Ayers' living room.
"It drew strength from people like Peggy Joseph , who cried, "I never thought this day would ever happen. I won’t have to worry about putting gas in my car. I won’t have to worry about paying my mortgage. You know. If I help him, he’s gonna help me.”
"This great nation of ours is not unlike a big farm. And I am like a great sow, just given birth to you, my 300 million little piglets. You're helpless. Blind. You press close to me, suckling at my 300 million teats of social justice and fairness. I give you warmth, nourishment, life. We nuzzle. We grunt.
"But when you grunt at me, I will listen. And I promise to grunt honestly. And then stick a hopenchange teat in your mouth.
"Don't forget there are other animals, too. Just outside the barn there's Nancy Pelosi, the barnyard shrew. And Harry Reid, the barnyard ass. We'll all have a nice wallow in the mud together, because everyone loves pork. And everyone gets along on Obama's Animal Farm.
"This is your victory. Ahem. Sorry, I really wanted to get that one out with a straight face. Couldn't.
I have this friend. He's the president of a Middle Eastern country. As such he's into things like the destruction of Israel and the United States, acquiring nukes, and sponsoring terrorism. He was just wondering what he can expect from your administration.
Sincerely,
Mahmoud A.
Dear Mahmoud,
For eight years, rogue states and terrorists have been afraid of America. And that's about to change. Because what the Bush administration doesn't understand is this: when someone wants to wipe your country off the map, you don't respond with threats or force. You make yourself completely vulnerable to them.
Tell your friend not to fear us. We want to sit with him, listen to him, cry with him, platonically embrace him. Maybe he can come up to Camp David with Oprah and me and we can eat crostini and read one of my autobiographies together.
However, your friend must also understand that America is nobody's urinal cake. To those who fail to show good faith, phone calls will go unreturned, email unanswered, and facebook friendships withdrawn. No more long talks,no more Dude Hugs, no more BFFs.
Your Postmasculine Peacemaking Patrician,
Barry
P.S. Forgot to mention - the continuing existence of Israel is negotiable.
Election day is mere hours away. And you know what that means.
It means I can relax because I've got this thing sewn up.
Tomorrow, I could streak through the National Zoo and publicly urinate on a baby panda bear wrapped in an American flag, and make it look presidential. I could trade nukes to Iran for Jonas Brothers tickets and the next day's headline would read "Obama begins international diplomatic effort". I could ditch Joe Biden and announce that my new running mate is a spittoon full of tobacco juice and I'd get a 5 point bounce in the polls. Actually, that last one wasn't hyperbole. I'm seriously considering it. And you've got to admit that a Spittoon/Palin debate would be an even matchup.
It's a great position to be in. Hillary, you've got to try again sometime, because this is just plain awesome.
But I do have some lingering self doubt. What if the world simply cannot function when they behold my full awesomeness? What if former presidents feel like complete losers because I make their old job look so easy? What if I'm overqualified and being president is really boring? I've heard Bill had a good time in office. Maybe I should talk to him.
[spit]
Your Perfect Arbiter of Fairness and Justice and Bringer of Peace, Prosperity, and Probably Payola,
You may recall that I announced the selection of Joe Biden as my running mate via text message. I did this in part to build a massive database of cell phone numbers to which I could text a reminder to vote on election day.
Well, I've learned that McCain's campaign has obtained a copy of this database and intends to deceive you, my loyal but inferior subjects, by confusing you about when election day actually falls.
This means you will get a text that appears to come from me, reminding you to vote ON THE WRONG DAY! Simply disregard this message. However, I will text you a genuine reminder to vote on the correct day. You can tell a real message from me because I will include the word "hopenchange4eva".
So remember, Obamasciples, STAY PUT AND DON'T GO VOTE UNTIL YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE CONATINING "HOPENCHANGE4EVA"!
Most of my neighbors make more money than I do. They're cooler than I am, too. They all have Obama signs in their yards. I want to be like them, so I'm thinking of voting for you. And on a personal level, I'm just this side of a man-crush on you. I mean, you're so smart, smooth, eloquent, and presidential.
But a few things about you give me pause. Your most significant accomplishment is writing two autobiographies. You're the most liberal member of the senate. You say you want postpartisan change, but Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are insanely hyperpartisan, and will have the support of comfortable majorities. You promised your campaign would rely on public financing, but then you decided not to. You also accept fraudulent contributions, allowing both foreign donations, and those in excess of the individual limit.
Help thou my unbelief,
Joseph Medianvoter
Dear Joseph,
All the points that concern you are mere distractions.
Look, here's what's important: I am a God, condescended from an immortal sphere to save your wretched country from Sarah Palin. Remember, I stand for HOPE and CHANGE, two concepts so abstract no one can possibly oppose them.
Plus if your income falls below a certain threshold (currently 200,000 and falling) I'll give you some of the money I take from the evil-rich and corporations.
Vote for me and your neighbors will let you stay in their artisanal bread co-op. Vote McCain and they'll never again have you over for Chardonnay and Brie.
What could be more fair than taking money from the greedy every day I find a new constituency that's needy
Spread the wealth around electoral domination I'll spread it all around
in my administration
Your Embodiment of Fairness, Justice, and Drop-Dead Gorgeousness,
Barry
Friday, October 24, 2008
My fellow Americans,
More politics as usual from John McCain and his ilk. This time right wing xenophobes suggest my birth certificate is fake, and therefore I must not have been born in the USA and am disqualified from running for president.
Readers of this blog will understand the very simple explanation for the phony document. It is simply not customary for Deity Incarnate to be issued a traditional human birth certificate.
I would further add that the constitution does not prohibit One Who Has Condescended from seeking elected office.
What comes to mind when you hear the words "United States of America"? Greed? Oppression? Liberal guilt?
Well, I'll tell you what comes to my mind. New names for our country.
That's right. For the last eight years we've had the same tired, old name. AMERICA (for now), WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS!
Everyone knows that the best cults of personality start with ridiculous symbolic acts at the highest levels. Mine will continue the tradition by renaming our country. To what? Here are some ideas:
New France, New Denmark, New Sweden: These names do capture the substance of my rulership, but I was hoping for something a little more original.
Obamatopia, Barackland, People's Socialist Democratic Perfect Republic of Me: Look. I like these names, but it's not just about me. It's about Michelle, too, but to a much lesser extent.
Fantasy Island: Now we're getting somewhere.
I'd love to hear your ideas. Not really, because they can't possibly be better than mine.
Today I unveil a new feature I like to call "Dear Barry", where I will answer mortal readers' questions. Ordinarily, a salutation such as "Dear Barry" is not sufficiently reverent for deity, but I find your human colloquialisms oddly endearing, so I'll allow it.
Our first question comes from Nancy P. of California. Nancy writes:
"Dear Barry,
I have this friend. She's a member of the U.S. House of Representatives. She's heard you say you're all about change and hope and reform, but that kind of worries her because, well, congresswomen really aren't into that. She's pretty sure with solid democratic majorities in the House and Senate (filibuster-proof!) the democrats will be able to pass bills that shamelessly pander to traditional liberal special interests. She's got five or six of them ready to go. Anyway, you wouldn't, you know, stand in the way of that, would you?
Nancy P."
Dear Nancy,
Please tell your friend not to worry. I'm going to let the House and Senate Democratic leaders have their way with this country. Naturally, in my omniscience, I understand that congress would never permit change on the scale I propose. So the government will grow without bound, and, through congress, special interests, lawyers, and lobbyists will feed more voraciously than ever on delicious pork. Or as I call it, Hope.
2. You may have noticed that at one point in last night's debate John McCain referred to me as "Senator Government." That was not a slip on his part. I asked him to address me that way to hear how it sounded. I kind of like it - what do you think? "President Government" has a nice ring too, no?
3. A very special guest poster is coming to Barry's Blog! Stay tuned...
Yesterday I announced that Albus Dumbledore would be appointed to oversee our national healthcare program. My staff has informed me that this is not possible; Albus in fact passed away several years ago.
This came as a great shock to me. You see, according to campaign records, Albus Dumbledore of Chicago, Illinois has voted for me 8,941 times since 1997 and has been a most generous donor.
I wish to extend condolences to the Dumbledore family. No doubt many hundreds of thousands of prayers will be offered to me in your behalf tonight.
Until tomorrow, I remain your Heavy-Hearted HRH of Hope,
Healthcare. We've got do to something about it. By "something" I mean create a sprawling, expensive government agency to administer a new entitlement. Just imagine, my proletarian subjects, with my government in charge, you can expect from your healthcare the same remarkable speed, efficiency, and customer service that you get from the post office.
Now, the person to lead this brave new bureaucracy must:
Lead and manage a sprawling new beast of an organization while avoiding political infighting, empire building, and apathy among employees.
Act with unimpeachable character.
Show unparalleled instinct and judgment.
Be mindful of the needs of the public, while making unpopular decisions if the need arises.
There exists only one man capable of tackling this task: Me. Unfortunately, I'll be busy bromancing Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong-Il, and Hugo Chavez. So, I'll settle for second best: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.
We're all familiar with Dumbledore's resume - Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, Headmaster of Hogwarts, Order of Merlin First Class, the man most responsible for the defeat of He Who Must Not Be Named.
Dumbledore has the wisdom, character, and experience for the job. And he has sense enough not to take the spotlight off of me for too long.
The road that lies ahead is uncertain. But remember, America, I'm not just asking you to believe in my ability to bring about real change in Washington. I'm asking you to believe that I am a demigod, earthbound by choice, who will bring the best and brightest from the Wizarding World into cabinet level positions.
Until tomorrow, I remain your Wellspring of Hope, Bubbling into the Verdant Valley of Change,
The Bush administration has been a consistent foreign policy failure. We are less safe now as a country than we were eight years ago. AMERICA, CHANGE IS COMING TO OUR FOREIGN AFFAIRS. It will begin with my Secretary of State, who is indeed prepared for 21st century diplomacy.
Secretary of State: Facebook.com
That's correct, my Secratary of State will actually be the website Facebook.com. I will begin by friending the leader of every nation. At my discretion, some I will poke. To others I will send flowers, a cookie, or a chest bump. But the important thing is, I will know the status of every country in the world. So, for example, if Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's profile says "Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has obtained a nuclear weapon" I will take immediate and decisive action by removing him from my friend list. After seeking the approval of the leaders of Denmark, Iceland, and Benin.
Now, much has been said of the Bush administration's failure to capture Osama bin Laden. The Obamagarchy will not fail in this, because we will not make the same mistakes. To this order, I will establish a second facebook profile, under the name of Barack Hussein Osama, whom Bin Laden will of course friend, thinking him a kinsman. This will give us access to Bin Laden's profile, and hence his true location, and any embarrassing messages on his wall.
I might add that John McCain has never heard of Facebook.com, or the internet, or even electricity for that matter. He will therefore criticize my proposal as naive and foolish. However,my plan has been endorsed by former human U.S. Secretaries of State John Jay, Thomas Jefferson, John Quincy Adams, Henry Clay, Daniel Webster, and Hamilton Fish.
In my next post, I will unveil my plans for healthcare reform. But now I must repair to Mount Olympus where I will imbibe ambrosia and commune with Zeus and Hera.
First, in Tuesday's post, I announced my intention to rename the U.S. House of Representatives to Obama's Magical Change Fairies. I would like to clarify that I was in no way referring to Barney Frank.
Second, you may have seen this article claiming that a funky smell permeates the press section of my official jet. Let me tell you, America, that smell is CHANGE, and as I've said before, this nation is about to get downright reesty with Changestank. I therefore now unveil my campaign's latest logo and slogan:
Last, and most important, I need you, my smitten readers, to leave comments. Tell me in fawning hyperbole how much you love me. Tell me how badly you want me, your benevolent man-god currently taking human form, to make your decisions. Tell me how desperately you need my Massive Obamalicious Government to save you from your mediocre selves. It might help if you prostrate yourself or at least genuflect while you type. Talk to me, America!
I await your plaudits. Until then, I remain your Mountain of Molten Hope,
Yesterday I unveiled my plans for reorganizing the federal government. Today, more detail about OBAMA (currently known as the Executive Branch). Specifically, here are a few people I will appoint as high-ranking lickspittles:
Secretary of Defense: Oprah Winfrey For the last eight years our military has been too focused on winning wars. America, we are better than this. Secretary Winfrey will teach our troops to be good listeners, to show empathy, to embrace their own emotions, and to be patient with their personal shortcomings. And maybe how to lose weight.
Director of Faith Based Initiatives: Bill Maher
I've been a faithful Christian churchgoer ever since I first thought of running for president. As President, I will continue to staff the office of Faith Based Initiatives so that normal people like myself can work hand in hand with Jesus Freaks and creepy religionists across the country. No one is more qualified to lead this effort than Bill Maher.
Secretary of Education: Bill Ayers Look, I barely know this guy. But I owe him a favor. It's a Chicago thing - don't worry about it.
Until next time, I remain your unimaginably cool and smooth Changinator-in-Chief,
Barry
My fellow Americans,
First, a word about last night's debate. Thanks to Tom Brokaw, the news networks which covered my victory, and especially to those whose meatball questions allowed me to give answers just vague enough to be incontestable. But here's the main takeaway from the debate: I look sofine in a suit.
Now, when I'm out visiting the proletariat, I often get this question: "O Great One, you speak of change and hope, and I'm completely in love with you in a non-erotic sense. But what specifically will you do?"
Today I will lay out my plans for change at the highest level of government. For the last eight years we have worked with the same three branches of government we've always had: Legislative, Judicial, and Executive. Well, America, change is coming. All three branches will be renamed and reorganized as follows:
Legislative
The Legislative branch will now be known as The Change Branch, or simply Change. The Senate and House will be renamed Upper House of Change and Obama's Magical Change Fairies, respectively.
But how will things truly be different? Here's how. I will be extremely busy practicing diplomacy by listening empathetically to the concerns of insane dictators and tyrants. So I will therefore delegate management of domestic issues to Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid. In fact, my first official act will be to teach them both my signature, so they can sign any bill they like in my absence.
Judicial
The Judicial branch will be known as The Hope Branch, or simply Hope. Why? Because our greatest hope is that America will become a great secular socialist utopia. To get there, we need unelected, unaccountable, life-tenured Justices (Supreme Agents of Hope, if you please) to create law by fiat.
Executive
Finally, we come to the Executive branch. I considered several new names here: The Hopechangetive Branch, The Politburo, The Marlboro... But what, really, is the Executive branch all about? It's simple: ME. The Executive Branch will therefore be known as OBAMA. All caps, please. Soon I will lay out in further detail my plans for OBAMA. But right now I could really use a smoke.
Until then, I remain your Obamannointed Obamessiah,
Barry
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
My fellow Americans,
It is I, Barack H. Obama. I'm starting this blog to connect more directly with you, the masses, most of whom are already deeply in love with me. Here on Barry's blog you'll be able to get an unedited, unfettered, unadulterated daily dose of me.
"Me." Just rolls of the tongue, doesn't it? I love its sound, its shape, the timbre of my voice when I speak it...
Sorry. Where was I? Oh yes. Me. And my blog. Over the next month, I'll blog about what an Obama supreme rulership would look like. You'll hear about the economy, foreign policy, national security, hope, change, rainbows, unicorns, butterflies, and daisies. And how the Obama administration will take over your life.
So don't ask "why should I read Obama's blog?" Ask "with whom can I share Obama's blog so they too will see, as I have, the wisdom, the strength, the charisma, the omnipotence, and the profound, deep humility of Barack Obama?"
Until next time, I remain your future Grand Imperial Obamalicious Leader,
Tomorrow, I could streak through the National Zoo and publicly urinate on a baby panda bear wrapped in an American flag, and make it look presidential. I could trade nukes to Iran for Jonas Brothers tickets and the next day's headline would read "Obama begins international diplomatic effort". I could ditch Joe Biden and announce that my new running mate is a spittoon full of tobacco juice and I'd get a 5 point bounce in the polls. Actually, that last one wasn't hyperbole. I'm seriously considering it. And you've got to admit that a Spittoon/Palin debate would be an even matchup.
Most of my neighbors make more money than I do. They're cooler than I am, too. They all have Obama signs in their yards. I want to be like them, so I'm thinking of voting for you. And on a personal level, I'm just this side of a man-crush on you. I mean, you're so smart, smooth, eloquent, and presidential.
My fellow Americans,
