My fellow Americans,

First, a word about last night's debate.  Thanks to Tom Brokaw, the news networks which covered my victory, and especially to those whose meatball questions allowed me to give answers just vague enough to be incontestable.  But here's the main takeaway from the debate: I look so fine in a suit.

Now, when I'm out visiting the proletariat, I often get this question: "O Great One, you speak of change and hope, and I'm completely in love with you in a non-erotic sense.  But what specifically will you do?"

Today I will lay out my plans for change at the highest level of government.  For the last eight years we have worked with the same three branches of government we've always had: Legislative, Judicial, and Executive.  Well, America, change is coming.  All three branches will be renamed and reorganized as follows:

Legislative

The Legislative branch will now be known as The Change Branch, or simply Change.  The Senate and House will be renamed Upper House of Change and Obama's Magical Change Fairies, respectively.

But how will things truly be different?  Here's how.  I will be extremely busy practicing diplomacy by listening empathetically to the concerns of insane dictators and tyrants.  So I will therefore delegate management of domestic issues to Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid.  In fact, my first official act will be to teach them both my signature, so they can sign any bill they like in my absence.

Judicial

The Judicial branch will be known as The Hope Branch, or simply Hope.  Why?  Because our greatest hope is that America will become a great secular socialist utopia.  To get there, we need unelected, unaccountable, life-tenured Justices (Supreme Agents of Hope, if you please) to create law by fiat.

Executive

Finally, we come to the Executive branch.  I considered several new names here: The Hopechangetive Branch, The Politburo, The Marlboro...  But what, really, is the Executive branch all about?  It's simple: ME.  The Executive Branch will therefore be known as OBAMA.  All caps, please.  Soon I will lay out in further detail my plans for OBAMA.  But right now I could really use a smoke.

Until then, I remain your Obamannointed Obamessiah,

Barry