Dear Barry

Dear Barry,

I voted for you because I thought it would make me smarter and more popular. I really wanted to believe the whole change and hope thing, too. Thing is, you're not even president yet and already you've (1) named a vicious hyper-partisan shark from the Clinton administration as your chief of staff, and (2) supported a bailout of the domestic auto industry, which is nothing more than a shameless pander to labor unions. I mean, this doesn't sound like hope and change, it sounds like straightforward partisan politics! What gives?

Sincerely,

I. Juan Tobelieve


Dear Juan,

You may have noticed a pattern during the election. Scratch that, you obviously didn't because you're asking the question. My game plan was as follows: I remain cool, aloof, above the fray, while others sling feces at my opponents. These others are known as surrogates. They're usually non-presidential politicians, former politicians, celebrities, or major media outlets like CNN, MSNBC, or the New York Times.

The need for surrogates doesn't go away when you become Grand High Emperor! Au contraire, a presidential administration is nothing but a high-stakes game of good cop bad cop. I must have a right hand man who will knee groins so I can get things done and remain the statesman you want to believe I might actually be. Rahm Emanuel is that man. Beneath his foul exterior, he's really a genuinely kind person. Well, not really. He's SOB to the core. But he's my SOB.

Rahm Emanuel

As for the auto company bailout, well, you've got me there. Even I can't figure out a way to spin that one with a straight face.

Your Elecutor-Elect,

Barry