Obama-Spittoon '08

My fellow Americans,

Election day is mere hours away. And you know what that means.

It means I can relax because I've got this thing sewn up.

Tomorrow, I could streak through the National Zoo and publicly urinate on a baby panda bear wrapped in an American flag, and make it look presidential. I could trade nukes to Iran for Jonas Brothers tickets and the next day's headline would read "Obama begins international diplomatic effort". I could ditch Joe Biden and announce that my new running mate is a spittoon full of tobacco juice and I'd get a 5 point bounce in the polls. Actually, that last one wasn't hyperbole. I'm seriously considering it. And you've got to admit that a Spittoon/Palin debate would be an even matchup.

It's a great position to be in. Hillary, you've got to try again sometime, because this is just plain awesome.

But I do have some lingering self doubt. What if the world simply cannot function when they behold my full awesomeness? What if former presidents feel like complete losers because I make their old job look so easy? What if I'm overqualified and being president is really boring? I've heard Bill had a good time in office. Maybe I should talk to him.

[spit]

Your Perfect Arbiter of Fairness and Justice and Bringer of Peace, Prosperity, and Probably Payola,

Barry