I hope you watched my victory speech Tuesday night. Here's the transcript, in case you missed it:
"First let me thank my fellow deities. To Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Vishnu and all the other Hindu gods, thank you for preparing the way for me. A special thank you to my parents, Zeus and Hera, who could not be with us tonight. We wanted to borrow their columns again for tonight's speech, but it turns out the roadies trashed them in Denver.
"We've come a long way, haven't we?
"I was never the likeliest candidate. Only the awesomest and dropdead sexiest. And Oprah's fave.
"This campaign wasn't hatched in Washington. It began in Chicago, in Bill Ayers' living room.
"It was built by fictitious men and women like Della Ware of 12345 No Way who donated so generously. By the selfless people who didn't even know they were volunteering for me.
"It drew strength from people like Peggy Joseph , who cried, "I never thought this day would ever happen. I won’t have to worry about putting gas in my car. I won’t have to worry about paying my mortgage. You know. If I help him, he’s gonna help me.”
"This great nation of ours is not unlike a big farm. And I am like a great sow, just given birth to you, my 300 million little piglets. You're helpless. Blind. You press close to me, suckling at my 300 million teats of social justice and fairness. I give you warmth, nourishment, life. We nuzzle. We grunt.
"But when you grunt at me, I will listen. And I promise to grunt honestly. And then stick a hopenchange teat in your mouth.
"Don't forget there are other animals, too. Just outside the barn there's Nancy Pelosi, the barnyard shrew. And Harry Reid, the barnyard ass. We'll all have a nice wallow in the mud together, because everyone loves pork. And everyone gets along on Obama's Animal Farm.
"This is your victory. Ahem. Sorry, I really wanted to get that one out with a straight face. Couldn't.
"Oink. Pigs are smarter."
Your Porcine Purveyor of Platitude,
Barry
1 comment:
Amen.
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