Most of my neighbors make more money than I do. They're cooler than I am, too. They all have Obama signs in their yards. I want to be like them, so I'm thinking of voting for you. And on a personal level, I'm just this side of a man-crush on you. I mean, you're so smart, smooth, eloquent, and presidential.But a few things about you give me pause. Your most significant accomplishment is writing two autobiographies. You're the most liberal member of the senate. You say you want postpartisan change, but Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are insanely hyperpartisan, and will have the support of comfortable majorities. You promised your campaign would rely on public financing, but then you decided not to. You also accept fraudulent contributions, allowing both foreign donations, and those in excess of the individual limit.
Help thou my unbelief,
Joseph Medianvoter
Dear Joseph,
All the points that concern you are mere distractions.
Look, here's what's important: I am a God, condescended from an immortal sphere to save your wretched country from Sarah Palin. Remember, I stand for HOPE and CHANGE, two concepts so abstract no one can possibly oppose them.
Plus if your income falls below a certain threshold (currently 200,000 and falling) I'll give you some of the money I take from the evil-rich and corporations.
Vote for me and your neighbors will let you stay in their artisanal bread co-op. Vote McCain and they'll never again have you over for Chardonnay and Brie.
Your Exalted Change Enabler,
Barry
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