Get out and vote when I tell you to!

My fellow Americans,

You may recall that I announced the selection of Joe Biden as my running mate via text message. I did this in part to build a massive database of cell phone numbers to which I could text a reminder to vote on election day.

Well, I've learned that McCain's campaign has obtained a copy of this database and intends to deceive you, my loyal but inferior subjects, by confusing you about when election day actually falls.

This means you will get a text that appears to come from me, reminding you to vote ON THE WRONG DAY! Simply disregard this message. However, I will text you a genuine reminder to vote on the correct day. You can tell a real message from me because I will include the word "hopenchange4eva".

So remember, Obamasciples, STAY PUT AND DON'T GO VOTE UNTIL YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE CONATINING "HOPENCHANGE4EVA"!

Your Transcendent One,

Barry

Dear Barry

Dear Barry,

Most of my neighbors make more money than I do. They're cooler than I am, too. They all have Obama signs in their yards. I want to be like them, so I'm thinking of voting for you. And on a personal level, I'm just this side of a man-crush on you. I mean, you're so smart, smooth, eloquent, and presidential.

But a few things about you give me pause. Your most significant accomplishment is writing two autobiographies. You're the most liberal member of the senate. You say you want postpartisan change, but Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are insanely hyperpartisan, and will have the support of comfortable majorities. You promised your campaign would rely on public financing, but then you decided not to. You also accept fraudulent contributions, allowing both foreign donations, and those in excess of the individual limit.

Help thou my unbelief,

Joseph Medianvoter


Dear Joseph,

All the points that concern you are mere distractions.

Look, here's what's important: I am a God, condescended from an immortal sphere to save your wretched country from Sarah Palin. Remember, I stand for HOPE and CHANGE, two concepts so abstract no one can possibly oppose them.

Plus if your income falls below a certain threshold (currently 200,000 and falling) I'll give you some of the money I take from the evil-rich and corporations.

Vote for me and your neighbors will let you stay in their artisanal bread co-op. Vote McCain and they'll never again have you over for Chardonnay and Brie.

Your Exalted Change Enabler,

Barry

A Musical Interlude

My fellow Americans,

Today, my economic philosophy, set to the tune of Vicki Sue Robinson's 1976 hit, "Turn the Beat Around".

Spread the wealth around
progressive taxation
the rich are goin' down
with evil corporations

I rob Peter to pay Paul
that's how it's going to be
now Peter won't create new jobs
but Paul will vote for me

Spread the wealth around
don't say redistribution
spread some change around
say make your dreams come true-tion

Let's be Sweden, France or Denmark,
a leftist state methinks
the poor will get a bigger slice
although the whole pie shrinks

Spread the wealth around
don't need no constitution
no more trickle down
how 'bout "Barackstitution"?

What could be more fair than
taking money from the greedy
every day I find a new
constituency that's needy

Spread the wealth around
electoral domination
I'll spread it all around

in my administration

Your Embodiment of Fairness, Justice, and Drop-Dead Gorgeousness,

Barry

My fellow Americans,

More politics as usual from John McCain and his ilk.  This time right wing xenophobes suggest my birth certificate is fake, and therefore I must not have been born in the USA and am disqualified from running for president.

Readers of this blog will understand the very simple explanation for the phony document.  It is simply not customary for Deity Incarnate to be issued a traditional human birth certificate.

I would further add that the constitution does not prohibit One Who Has Condescended from seeking elected office.

My disciples get it.  So does Minister Farrakhan:

Your Pharaoh,

Barry

Name That Country

My fellow Americans,

What comes to mind when you hear the words "United States of America"? Greed? Oppression? Liberal guilt?


Well, I'll tell you what comes to my mind. New names for our country.

That's right. For the last eight years we've had the same tired, old name. AMERICA (for now), WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS!

Everyone knows that the best cults of personality start with ridiculous symbolic acts at the highest levels. Mine will continue the tradition by renaming our country. To what? Here are some ideas:

• New France, New Denmark, New Sweden: These names do capture the substance of my rulership, but I was hoping for something a little more original.
• Obamatopia, Barackland, People's Socialist Democratic Perfect Republic of Me: Look. I like these names, but it's not just about me. It's about Michelle, too, but to a much lesser extent.
• Fantasy Island: Now we're getting somewhere.

I'd love to hear your ideas. Not really, because they can't possibly be better than mine.

Your Bubbling Cauldron of Change Potion,

Barry

Dear Barry

My fellow Americans,

Today I unveil a new feature I like to call "Dear Barry", where I will answer mortal readers' questions. Ordinarily, a salutation such as "Dear Barry" is not sufficiently reverent for deity, but I find your human colloquialisms oddly endearing, so I'll allow it.

Our first question comes from Nancy P. of California. Nancy writes:

"Dear Barry,

I have this friend. She's a member of the U.S. House of Representatives. She's heard you say you're all about change and hope and reform, but that kind of worries her because, well, congresswomen really aren't into that. She's pretty sure with solid democratic majorities in the House and Senate (filibuster-proof!) the democrats will be able to pass bills that shamelessly pander to traditional liberal special interests. She's got five or six of them ready to go. Anyway, you wouldn't, you know, stand in the way of that, would you?

Nancy P."

Dear Nancy,

Please tell your friend not to worry. I'm going to let the House and Senate Democratic leaders have their way with this country. Naturally, in my omniscience, I understand that congress would never permit change on the scale I propose. So the government will grow without bound, and, through congress, special interests, lawyers, and lobbyists will feed more voraciously than ever on delicious pork. Or as I call it, Hope.

Your Deus ex Machina,

Barry

A few things

My fellow Americans,

1. The following people are prohibited from posting comments on my blog: Jeremiah Wright, Bill Ayers, Tony Rezko, and anyone affiliated with ACORN.

2. You may have noticed that at one point in last night's debate John McCain referred to me as "Senator Government." That was not a slip on his part. I asked him to address me that way to hear how it sounded. I kind of like it - what do you think? "President Government" has a nice ring too, no?

3. A very special guest poster is coming to Barry's Blog! Stay tuned...

Your Invincible Protector and Provider,

Barry