Yesterday I posted a picture with an incorrect caption. The creature depicted in that picture was actually not Rahm Emanuel. It was Bruce the Shark from Finding Nemo. Bruce differs from Rahm in that he is aware of his own destructive tendencies and thirst for blood and is taking steps to fix them.
Below is the correct picture of my Chief of Staff.
I voted for you because I thought it would make me smarter and more popular. I really wanted to believe the whole change and hope thing, too. Thing is, you're not even president yet and already you've (1) named a vicious hyper-partisan shark from the Clinton administration as your chief of staff, and (2) supported a bailout of the domestic auto industry, which is nothing more than a shameless pander to labor unions. I mean, this doesn't sound like hope and change, it sounds like straightforward partisan politics! What gives?
Sincerely,
I. Juan Tobelieve
Dear Juan,
You may have noticed a pattern during the election. Scratch that, you obviously didn't because you're asking the question. My game plan was as follows: I remain cool, aloof, above the fray, while others sling feces at my opponents. These others are known as surrogates. They're usually non-presidential politicians, former politicians, celebrities, or major media outlets like CNN, MSNBC, or the New York Times.
The need for surrogates doesn't go away when you become Grand High Emperor! Au contraire, a presidential administration is nothing but a high-stakes game of good cop bad cop. I must have a right hand man who will knee groins so I can get things done and remain the statesman you want to believe I might actually be. Rahm Emanuel is that man. Beneath his foul exterior, he's really a genuinely kind person. Well, not really. He's SOB to the core. But he's my SOB.
I hope you watched my victory speech Tuesday night. Here's the transcript, in case you missed it:
"First let me thank my fellow deities. To Jesus, Buddha, Allah, Vishnu and all the other Hindu gods, thank you for preparing the way for me. A special thank you to my parents, Zeus and Hera, who could not be with us tonight. We wanted to borrow their columns again for tonight's speech, but it turns out the roadies trashed them in Denver.
"We've come a long way, haven't we?
"I was never the likeliest candidate. Only the awesomest and dropdead sexiest. And Oprah's fave.
"This campaign wasn't hatched in Washington. It began in Chicago, in Bill Ayers' living room.
"It drew strength from people like Peggy Joseph , who cried, "I never thought this day would ever happen. I won’t have to worry about putting gas in my car. I won’t have to worry about paying my mortgage. You know. If I help him, he’s gonna help me.”
"This great nation of ours is not unlike a big farm. And I am like a great sow, just given birth to you, my 300 million little piglets. You're helpless. Blind. You press close to me, suckling at my 300 million teats of social justice and fairness. I give you warmth, nourishment, life. We nuzzle. We grunt.
"But when you grunt at me, I will listen. And I promise to grunt honestly. And then stick a hopenchange teat in your mouth.
"Don't forget there are other animals, too. Just outside the barn there's Nancy Pelosi, the barnyard shrew. And Harry Reid, the barnyard ass. We'll all have a nice wallow in the mud together, because everyone loves pork. And everyone gets along on Obama's Animal Farm.
"This is your victory. Ahem. Sorry, I really wanted to get that one out with a straight face. Couldn't.
I have this friend. He's the president of a Middle Eastern country. As such he's into things like the destruction of Israel and the United States, acquiring nukes, and sponsoring terrorism. He was just wondering what he can expect from your administration.
Sincerely,
Mahmoud A.
Dear Mahmoud,
For eight years, rogue states and terrorists have been afraid of America. And that's about to change. Because what the Bush administration doesn't understand is this: when someone wants to wipe your country off the map, you don't respond with threats or force. You make yourself completely vulnerable to them.
Tell your friend not to fear us. We want to sit with him, listen to him, cry with him, platonically embrace him. Maybe he can come up to Camp David with Oprah and me and we can eat crostini and read one of my autobiographies together.
However, your friend must also understand that America is nobody's urinal cake. To those who fail to show good faith, phone calls will go unreturned, email unanswered, and facebook friendships withdrawn. No more long talks,no more Dude Hugs, no more BFFs.
Your Postmasculine Peacemaking Patrician,
Barry
P.S. Forgot to mention - the continuing existence of Israel is negotiable.
Election day is mere hours away. And you know what that means.
It means I can relax because I've got this thing sewn up.
Tomorrow, I could streak through the National Zoo and publicly urinate on a baby panda bear wrapped in an American flag, and make it look presidential. I could trade nukes to Iran for Jonas Brothers tickets and the next day's headline would read "Obama begins international diplomatic effort". I could ditch Joe Biden and announce that my new running mate is a spittoon full of tobacco juice and I'd get a 5 point bounce in the polls. Actually, that last one wasn't hyperbole. I'm seriously considering it. And you've got to admit that a Spittoon/Palin debate would be an even matchup.
It's a great position to be in. Hillary, you've got to try again sometime, because this is just plain awesome.
But I do have some lingering self doubt. What if the world simply cannot function when they behold my full awesomeness? What if former presidents feel like complete losers because I make their old job look so easy? What if I'm overqualified and being president is really boring? I've heard Bill had a good time in office. Maybe I should talk to him.
[spit]
Your Perfect Arbiter of Fairness and Justice and Bringer of Peace, Prosperity, and Probably Payola,
You may recall that I announced the selection of Joe Biden as my running mate via text message. I did this in part to build a massive database of cell phone numbers to which I could text a reminder to vote on election day.
Well, I've learned that McCain's campaign has obtained a copy of this database and intends to deceive you, my loyal but inferior subjects, by confusing you about when election day actually falls.
This means you will get a text that appears to come from me, reminding you to vote ON THE WRONG DAY! Simply disregard this message. However, I will text you a genuine reminder to vote on the correct day. You can tell a real message from me because I will include the word "hopenchange4eva".
So remember, Obamasciples, STAY PUT AND DON'T GO VOTE UNTIL YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE CONATINING "HOPENCHANGE4EVA"!
Most of my neighbors make more money than I do. They're cooler than I am, too. They all have Obama signs in their yards. I want to be like them, so I'm thinking of voting for you. And on a personal level, I'm just this side of a man-crush on you. I mean, you're so smart, smooth, eloquent, and presidential.
But a few things about you give me pause. Your most significant accomplishment is writing two autobiographies. You're the most liberal member of the senate. You say you want postpartisan change, but Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are insanely hyperpartisan, and will have the support of comfortable majorities. You promised your campaign would rely on public financing, but then you decided not to. You also accept fraudulent contributions, allowing both foreign donations, and those in excess of the individual limit.
Help thou my unbelief,
Joseph Medianvoter
Dear Joseph,
All the points that concern you are mere distractions.
Look, here's what's important: I am a God, condescended from an immortal sphere to save your wretched country from Sarah Palin. Remember, I stand for HOPE and CHANGE, two concepts so abstract no one can possibly oppose them.
Plus if your income falls below a certain threshold (currently 200,000 and falling) I'll give you some of the money I take from the evil-rich and corporations.
Vote for me and your neighbors will let you stay in their artisanal bread co-op. Vote McCain and they'll never again have you over for Chardonnay and Brie.
Tomorrow, I could streak through the National Zoo and publicly urinate on a baby panda bear wrapped in an American flag, and make it look presidential. I could trade nukes to Iran for Jonas Brothers tickets and the next day's headline would read "Obama begins international diplomatic effort". I could ditch Joe Biden and announce that my new running mate is a spittoon full of tobacco juice and I'd get a 5 point bounce in the polls. Actually, that last one wasn't hyperbole. I'm seriously considering it. And you've got to admit that a Spittoon/Palin debate would be an even matchup.
Most of my neighbors make more money than I do. They're cooler than I am, too. They all have Obama signs in their yards. I want to be like them, so I'm thinking of voting for you. And on a personal level, I'm just this side of a man-crush on you. I mean, you're so smart, smooth, eloquent, and presidential.
