A Musical Interlude

My fellow Americans,

Today, my economic philosophy, set to the tune of Vicki Sue Robinson's 1976 hit, "Turn the Beat Around".

Spread the wealth around
progressive taxation
the rich are goin' down
with evil corporations

I rob Peter to pay Paul
that's how it's going to be
now Peter won't create new jobs
but Paul will vote for me

Spread the wealth around
don't say redistribution
spread some change around
say make your dreams come true-tion

Let's be Sweden, France or Denmark,
a leftist state methinks
the poor will get a bigger slice
although the whole pie shrinks

Spread the wealth around
don't need no constitution
no more trickle down
how 'bout "Barackstitution"?

What could be more fair than
taking money from the greedy
every day I find a new
constituency that's needy

Spread the wealth around
electoral domination
I'll spread it all around

in my administration

Your Embodiment of Fairness, Justice, and Drop-Dead Gorgeousness,

Barry

My fellow Americans,

More politics as usual from John McCain and his ilk.  This time right wing xenophobes suggest my birth certificate is fake, and therefore I must not have been born in the USA and am disqualified from running for president.

Readers of this blog will understand the very simple explanation for the phony document.  It is simply not customary for Deity Incarnate to be issued a traditional human birth certificate.

I would further add that the constitution does not prohibit One Who Has Condescended from seeking elected office.

My disciples get it.  So does Minister Farrakhan:

Your Pharaoh,

Barry

Name That Country

My fellow Americans,

What comes to mind when you hear the words "United States of America"? Greed? Oppression? Liberal guilt?


Well, I'll tell you what comes to my mind. New names for our country.

That's right. For the last eight years we've had the same tired, old name. AMERICA (for now), WE ARE BETTER THAN THIS!

Everyone knows that the best cults of personality start with ridiculous symbolic acts at the highest levels. Mine will continue the tradition by renaming our country. To what? Here are some ideas:

• New France, New Denmark, New Sweden: These names do capture the substance of my rulership, but I was hoping for something a little more original.
• Obamatopia, Barackland, People's Socialist Democratic Perfect Republic of Me: Look. I like these names, but it's not just about me. It's about Michelle, too, but to a much lesser extent.
• Fantasy Island: Now we're getting somewhere.

I'd love to hear your ideas. Not really, because they can't possibly be better than mine.

Your Bubbling Cauldron of Change Potion,

Barry

Dear Barry

My fellow Americans,

Today I unveil a new feature I like to call "Dear Barry", where I will answer mortal readers' questions. Ordinarily, a salutation such as "Dear Barry" is not sufficiently reverent for deity, but I find your human colloquialisms oddly endearing, so I'll allow it.

Our first question comes from Nancy P. of California. Nancy writes:

"Dear Barry,

I have this friend. She's a member of the U.S. House of Representatives. She's heard you say you're all about change and hope and reform, but that kind of worries her because, well, congresswomen really aren't into that. She's pretty sure with solid democratic majorities in the House and Senate (filibuster-proof!) the democrats will be able to pass bills that shamelessly pander to traditional liberal special interests. She's got five or six of them ready to go. Anyway, you wouldn't, you know, stand in the way of that, would you?

Nancy P."

Dear Nancy,

Please tell your friend not to worry. I'm going to let the House and Senate Democratic leaders have their way with this country. Naturally, in my omniscience, I understand that congress would never permit change on the scale I propose. So the government will grow without bound, and, through congress, special interests, lawyers, and lobbyists will feed more voraciously than ever on delicious pork. Or as I call it, Hope.

Your Deus ex Machina,

Barry

A few things

My fellow Americans,

1. The following people are prohibited from posting comments on my blog: Jeremiah Wright, Bill Ayers, Tony Rezko, and anyone affiliated with ACORN.

2. You may have noticed that at one point in last night's debate John McCain referred to me as "Senator Government." That was not a slip on his part. I asked him to address me that way to hear how it sounded. I kind of like it - what do you think? "President Government" has a nice ring too, no?

3. A very special guest poster is coming to Barry's Blog! Stay tuned...

Your Invincible Protector and Provider,

Barry

Correction

My fellow Americans,

Yesterday I announced that Albus Dumbledore would be appointed to oversee our national healthcare program.  My staff has informed me that this is not possible; Albus in fact passed away several years ago.

This came as a great shock to me.  You see, according to campaign records, Albus Dumbledore of Chicago, Illinois has voted for me 8,941 times since 1997 and has been a most generous donor.

I wish to extend condolences to the Dumbledore family.  No doubt many hundreds of thousands of prayers will be offered to me in your behalf tonight.

Until tomorrow, I remain your Heavy-Hearted HRH of Hope,

Barry

Healthcare

My fellow Americans,

Healthcare.  We've got do to something about it.  By "something" I mean create a sprawling, expensive government agency to administer a new entitlement.  Just imagine, my proletarian subjects, with my government in charge, you can expect from your healthcare the same remarkable speed, efficiency, and customer service that you get from the post office.

Now, the person to lead this brave new bureaucracy must:

• Lead and manage a sprawling new beast of an organization while avoiding political infighting, empire building, and apathy among employees.
  
• Act with unimpeachable character.
  
• Show unparalleled instinct and judgment.
  
• Be mindful of the needs of the public, while making unpopular decisions if the need arises.

There exists only one man capable of tackling this task: Me. Unfortunately, I'll be busy bromancing Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Kim Jong-Il, and Hugo Chavez.  So, I'll settle for second best: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore.

We're all familiar with Dumbledore's resume - Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot, Headmaster of Hogwarts, Order of Merlin First Class, the man most responsible for the defeat of He Who Must Not Be Named.

Dumbledore has the wisdom, character, and experience for the job.  And he has sense enough not to take the spotlight off of me for too long.

The road that lies ahead is uncertain.  But remember, America, I'm not just asking you to believe in my ability to bring about real change in Washington.   I'm asking you to believe that I am a demigod, earthbound by choice, who will bring the best and brightest from the Wizarding World into cabinet level positions.

Until tomorrow, I remain your Wellspring of Hope, Bubbling into the Verdant Valley of Change,

Barry